Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
