I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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