you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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