Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
