I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Who died my cat blue again?
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
