Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
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