I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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