It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Randomize
