I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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