Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
