first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
