just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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