Just fell off a train. Bad.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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