mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
