Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
