and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
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