I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
barbara walters just said penis...
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
