tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
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