im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
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