I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
