my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
