When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
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