Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
