I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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