She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Randomize
