Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
