Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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