On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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