Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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