Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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