I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
