I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
My penis needs a shock collar
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Randomize
