I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Randomize
