btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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