Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
