the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
