I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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