Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
