You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
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