someone threw a dead crab at me
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
