mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
no more duck duck goose at the bar
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
