I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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