hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
