my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
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I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
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so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
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