We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
how drunk are you?
Several
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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