Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
