Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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