Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
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