she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
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