Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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