dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
