hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
