i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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