i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
